Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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