Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
it's like iHOP with fire
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
