Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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