you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
