two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize