i may or may not be watching the land before time
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
