someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
