the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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