she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
