A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
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