Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
