and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
