Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
