Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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