Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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