tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
