well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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