just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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