Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
