he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
