yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
