im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
