Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize