My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
