He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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