Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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