i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Randomize
