My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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