K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
