Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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