Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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