if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
