Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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