remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
