I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
