drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
