So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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