she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think my moral compass just broke
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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