Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
