you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
