so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
there is glitter all over my balls
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