I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
