Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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