Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
