it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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