i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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