I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
