....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize