You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
