Can i not drive my cunt home
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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