i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
