someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
