WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
