sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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