Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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