never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
