mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
