Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
