Have you finally orgasmed yet?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
