Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
