Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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