I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
